Make me hate you.

I have been working really hard on my book lately. I have pushed past writers block, doubt and criticism and I am still working on it. Sometimes I get confused to why I am really doing this, I don’t know why, all I know is that it makes me happy and I am pretty sure that is a good enough reason to keep doing it.
My ideas sometimes expand so much that I lose track to what I am doing, I want this to be apart of me but sometimes fiction can really take you away from everything, you get so into it that when you realise what you are actually doing it is nothing like you had planned. That really sucks. I have to contain myself if I want this to have any of my personality; it gets so out of hand that it seems that I am living in a world of my own. Sometime I wish it was true, but most of the time, I like where I am.

Last night’s Aussie VMAs were amazing, well, to me anyway. I loved it. I think Pete did a giddy job at being host, very cute, very funny, very cool cat.
I was at my brother’s last night, talked to my best girl who is doing wonderful. I am happy for her right now; she has found something in her life to make her feel what every person should feel. I am so happy that everything is going super amazing for her and I can not wait to see her, eat sushi and just chat and dance.
I am so excited for you beans, and I can not wait to see where this all goes!

I was going through my old messages, emails and texts from over the years a couple of nights ago, some of my really dark days but most of them of me just being annoying. Did I ever mention that you are wonderful? That you are amazing? I wanted to say a very big thankyou to my best friend. She has helped me through everything I have gone through. I love you. Thankyou for sticking with me and putting up with my shit: thankyou for listening and understanding and thankyou for being you.

So I finally thought of you last nigh, after trying so hard not to even think, I gave in. It is hard, and what’s harder than hard is that you don’t even know. I thought maybe if I try to keep you out of my head, maybe just maybe it will be easy on me to move on with my life and forget you and your greatness, well I was wrong but I am going to continue to block you out and maybe next time when we meet I won’t get nervous and I won’t say silly things that I will regret later, maybe if I don’t think about your greatness and focus on your negativity, maybe then I will realise I am better off without you.

Yesterday I didn’t get off my brother’s couch, today was good and tomorrow I will be doing some serious catching up with friends. My life is hard.
Actually I am really grateful in my life; I have so many big things happening to me that I can not believe it. I am going U.S in three months then I will be going to Europe and when I return I will have a two month break and off to Europe again. I am so excited what I have planned for myself. This is going to be a year to remember.

I just realised that my friend was born on the same day and year as Raquel Reed. Raquel Reed is an alternative model, she is cool and styling. That is all.

I watched the Audrey Hepburn Story the other night, the movie was awesome, it gave such an insight to Audrey’s life and what she had been through, I never really knew the whole story until now, the movie was good, Jennifer Love Hewitt was playing Audrey which kind of threw me off but I was surprised, I really liked it. I seriously love that Audrey: she is an actress, a showgirl, an entertainer. She is amazing and I love her.

These are the girls who give me inspiration:

Audrey Hepburn

Grace kelly

Marilyn Monroe.

This week in life.....

I am sleep deprived.

I am excited that my uncle is here.

I am happy.

I have been sleeping on the couch at my brother’s house for the past week; I have been house sitting and dog sitting while there because he is away. It’s so weird staying there, it feels like I haven’t been there forever, and now because I am so use to it, it feels like the old days.

While I was there, it reminded me of the past three years I had there. Those years were so hard; I didn’t know who I was as a person, and who I wanted to be. I spent so many sleepless nights there wondering if I would ever get my life on the right track. It’s funny to think that maybe that is the reason I find it so hard to sleep now. I miss my new house and my new bed.

I guess I am just happy where my life is heading for now.

My uncle finally arrived from overseas last week. He is so excited to be here, it was his first time on a plane so I guess it is even more scary and exciting for him. When he arrived I didn’t sleep for 27 hours, we just had so much to talk about.
I am so glad he is here.

Right now I am reading a variety of books. Heroin Diaries by Nikki Sixx, Tangles up in Daydreams by Rebecca Bloom and the third book in the twilight series: Eclipse
I am so into the Heroin Diaries and Eclipse right now, maybe I should really stick to one book?

I have great news, Friday night I was at my brother’s house, so while I was there, my sister rang me at midnight and told me some exciting news: that we are going to see the Cirque Du Soeil The Beatles LOVE show in Vegas. I can not wait. We got FRONT row tix.

Loredo and Gianne left SYTYCD this week, so sad: I really though they had potential to get far but never fear Charlie and Talia, Kat, Penny and Tim are still in. So Cool.

We started a new routine in dance last week, it is so fun. Shuffles and High kicks. It is so rad: I can not wait to do it all again tonight!

Three and A half months to go.

My uncle isn’t coming tomorrow; there was an error at the airport so he will hopefully here by Thursday or Friday.
So I have been really anti-social lately and that’s thanks to Angel. Seriously, I have never been so wrapped up in a TV show like this, so bizarre

Getting stuff done for the U.S, honestly it’s so frustrating. Getting everything done in a short amount of time seems to be impossible, but I’m just going to have to put my butt to work and do do do. I am aslo counting down the months, but they don't seem to pass quicker.

I got my cousin into the Twilight saga now too, so funny. She started reading the book and cannot wait until she reads the second and see’s the movie. I’m such a dork for getting everyone into it.

Last night was the first night in a while since I dreamed about you. You were amazing. I dreamed about that night when I said so many silly things and I felt like a fool. I wonder why I can never control myself when I am around you; sometimes I wish I could just be myself instead of that silly girl that would get nervous speaking to you.
I guess the only way I could ever be as close to you as I want to be is in my dreams but that is something I am just going to have to get use to.
When I get sad there is one thing that will cheer me up, and that is I know I am going to get a little break from this place and you. I am going to a world where it is far from yours, somewhere where people do not know your name. This world is going to be mine for two short months, but I will take it as a little journey coz I know I will need time to grow and get over you

All my friends came over last night, it was such a full house, we all sat around the coffee table watching SYTYCD and critiquing about how they danced. So funny, when they put Charlie and Penny down, I stood up for them, I believe they have something.
Charlie and Penny’s first number was AMAZING. Tonight is the verdict, I wonder who will go.

So that is it from me, now I am going to eat a veggie burger and get fat.

I LOVE

I love Blink-182
I love pink cupcakes
I love dancing
I love writing
I love SYTYCD
I love vampires {Twilight and Angel}
I love books
I love Marlow, Will and Johnny
I love winter but I like summer
I love TGA, ATL, PATD, MC, PM,
I love Jason M
I love bulldogs, French bulldogs and miniature bulldogs and Boxers Offcourse!.
I absolutely love Tyson and Jana
I love love love Sir Paul
I love Jack
I love Johnny greenwood
I love Halle
I love Keltie
I Love freddos
I love love love love love LOVE: Andy, Chris and Scott. Totally.
I love love

Today was good: I spent some time in my city and then decided to borrow a book for my library. I love books, I love reading. I just started reading REVOLVER: The secret history of the Beatles. So far it is awesome, I love reading about musicians autobiographies: they’re really entertaining.

My uncle is coming on the 17^th from Europe for my cousins wedding; I have not seen him since 04 and am really excited to catch up on everything.

I have school tomorrow, too cool.

I love life. It’s great!

I'm on my way.

Last night I was at a twenty-first, got changed three times until I found the perfect outfit. Yesterday I twisted my hair in little circles and bobby pinned them tightly, I actually fell asleep and when I woke up, my hair was in tight little curls, it actually looked like one of those hair do’s from the 1940s. So cute, but unfortunately it fell out after an hour, so I just put a flower in my hair so it would look like natural curls. So disappointing.

Today I woke up with a headache; friends came over and then booked my Vegas hotels. Staying in three hotels in Vegas, there were so many so we could only pick three. It is so exciting; now all I have left is LA, Disneyland, Memphis, NYC, London and Rome.
We are not staying in Paris anymore; we are just going to catch the train from London there and back for a day trip. So so cool.

I was suppose to have gone to the Rock-It festival today, my bouncer {that’s my brother’s nickname} got me a backstage pass, even though I did not have any tickets, but unfortunately I slept in way too long, then had work to do such as booking and things, and this headache that I have doesn’t necessarily makes me want to go out. Any way today I got a lot done, slept, booked and also had a chance to catch up on my shows.

Speaking of shows, Greek has ended which I am absolutely distraught about, for the past year Thursday nights with Greek were the best. Dammit.
I am addicted to Angel {the other half of Buffy the Vampire Slayer} but I can say this with any doubt that Angel is way cooler and better than Buffy. Totally.
SYTYCD Aust was amazing tonight; Danny and Kat, Charlie and Penny were amazing. I was so, so sad to see Chanelle go ;ast week; she was one of my faves.

Things in life are good; it’s nice to focus on myself and not on anyone else. I am jobless but happy. I am going to school to study something that I really love and I am going on a life changing trip in July, so I can say: life is really good.
I told my sister one of my dreams is to have a white Christmas in NYC, then she told me that maybe we can go to NY after my 21^st next year. So exciting, we might be in NY for Christmas and Vegas for NYE, which brings me to my next point, if I don’t get to see the Rockettes this year, there is always next year!

So I have managed to block you out of my life for now and it has been good, I have not thought about you for a while, until now.
Don’t invade my life, I beg you. You stay in my head for sunset to the early hours of the morning, wondering and hoping, I have read all the blogs I have wrote about you and seriously this thing has gone enough. This has gone on for a year and three months. I have not seen you for 3 months, and because I am counting it is making me feel real pathetic. Please help me and just stop invading my life with your loveliness. I don’t think I can be that strong to do it on my own.

Yesterday was a good day; I had my two year anniversary for being Vegetarian. It is so exciting. My sister bought me a mug with a beautiful saying on it. “Shoot for the moon, even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars” I love collecting mugs with sayings, it’s totally my new hobby but I only get them if a significant thing has happened in my life, I only have two so far, the other one is from my nineteenth that says Dance, Love, Sing, live. And it has little captions below each of the words.
I am so proud of myself for these past two years, honestly when I was trying to make a healthier choice for myself and a better choice for animals, I got looked down upon. It is hard growing up in a European family; they are meat eaters and always will be. When I told my mother about my decision she looked at me like I was insane. I got handed three hundred dollars {when I was broke and jobless} just to eat a steak, I handed back the money and didn’t eat the steak, because I knew I would never be able to trust myself again. Also money is pointless to me; I’d rather be doing something good and be happy.
I can say that my family have learnt to live with it, although they don’t like it, I am glad they accept it, plus it gives my mum a chance to make amazing veggie recipes,

Hears to two years of struggle and happiness. Help us help them. GO VEGGIE!
Here’s something to get your motivated, be like Paul and help save babe.

She's dancing fancy pirouettes

"Doctor Doctor give me the news, I got a bad case of loving you"

Just found out my brother was with Coldplay when they were here last Saturday, he was hanging with them at a club. As I have said, my bro is a bouncer and all of his friends are bouncers so he has connections. He told me if he knew I liked Coldplay so much he would have called me. I told him “Bro, offcourse I like Coldplay, I bought a freakin’ ticket!”
He laughed.

If you have probably realised, I have deleted some of my old posts, only the ones that have no point and have no place in my new chapter of my life, it is called moving on. I have kept most of them though, to remind me what I have gone through such as feelings, thoughts and things I have done but forgot about. It’s good to be reminded.

I actually just realised I deleted the update of Soundwave, as I said in the last post {that I accidentally deleted} it was Amazing. So much hype throughout the whole day, I actually can’t remember a moment where I was thinking ‘Damn this is boring’
This has been my second year of Soundwave, and it was as brilliant as last years. I can not wait for next years.
Bring on SOUNDWAVE O10

I am back in my old ways, in my good old ways. Listening to ATL, love them, but I love him more. His name is Jack. He plays guitar, is funny and dorkish, has nice hair and a hot body, he is my new obsession. I totally lovelovelove HIM.

Oh diet coke, I can not seem to get enough of you. Diet Coke, best friend or worst enemy?

I just saw a wonderful piece of Swan Lake called Pas De Deux, it was amazing, the way the “swan” bends her body like that is just brilliant, it is also enchanting; your eyes follow her every step as she moves and gracefully pirouettes alongside her “prince”. Just So Amazing.

Speaking of dancing: On the first week of July, I might get to see my dancer girl, Ms Colleen do her stuff along with Ms B {Scary Spice} in the awesome new show called PEEPSHOW, it is so exciting, also might even get to see the Rockettes next season. “Cross Fingers” and on the last week of July I will be in NYC and broadway-ing it all week. I can not wait to see all the plays and musicals. It is going to be my wonderland.

I saw my neighbours doggie today, ever since I moved in, I have been hearing a barking from their backyard, I always imagined a small petite puppy with white long fur and a pink collar. So imagine my surprise when I met a little miniature bulldog. I didn’t get to find its name out because I was playing with it so much. I love miniature bulldogs, French bulldogs, any type of bulldog really. I much rather have this dog as a neighbour than a white long furred puppy with a pink collar with the name of FIFI.

Here is a Love-A- Bull.

I found her on the Internet and I'm going to call her Zulu, a mix betweent Zuzu and Lulu. Excellent.

I WANT HER TO ME MINE.

I have been dreaming of the days that make perfect sense.

Today I spent the day scanning the internet for hotels/apartments in the US. It is so hard looking for an idea place to call home away from home.
Last Sunday I got to go to a wedding, wear a new dress and get drunk on strawberry Champaign. It was fun to just sit there with family and laugh.

Oh Rove, you’re funny, cute and the only man who keeps me company on a lonely Sunday night such as this one. Tonight you invited my three boys to entertain our party and I could not wait. It was such a surprise when during the commercials of SYTYCD you mentioned that they will be on the show to perform. I was sooo happy. I got to see them; they were amazing, as always. They blew my mind and me away.

They make me so happy, really, they do. I have never met anyone who can turn my emotions upside down like that. I am so honoured and blessed that I could share the world, my life and this beautiful sky with them. Until now I have never realised how much they inspire me, how much they give me hope and how much they could really make a difference. I remember the first day I met you, three years is such a long time but it feels like yesterday.
I would also like to celebrate 12 years of happiness, when I was eight when I found a poster of you in my brother’s music magazine, I then heard you play and even though I was too young to even know what prisoner of society meant I liked hearing you through the speakers of my brother’s stereo. My brother was the one who gave me the backstage pass that beautiful December 26^th in 05, I was ecstatic, I was captivate and I will be forever yours.
Now here I am, 12 years later and I am captivated all over again. I love you more as the days go by, even though I was too young back then to realise that you three were going to be my soul mates, I am so happy, grateful and blessed that things worked out the way they did.
Happy March first my beautiful boys. Before I forget, even though I have forgotten plenty of times, I think it is about time to do this:
Congrats Chris, your second child must be as beautiful as Charlie. You are now a daddy of two.
Also, it has been a while and I am so sorry to address this. I am so sorry for Moo, I know you must miss him. Scott, you are a daddy of two too. Hope you’re having fun playing Daddy Owen.
And to my last year’s valentine, My Andy, Congrats with the bundle of joy on the way, you will make a great addition to the fatherhood gang. You all manage to be true to your roles as husbands and fathers and also your jobs. I am such a proud Kikki.

But sigh, I will not get see you in May, my money is tight and things are coming a bit bumpy for the US, so that means a great unfortunate sacrifice. I will miss you, I will cry and I will put my iPod headphones in my ears and put it on full blast to your last three albums and pretend I am there dancing alone to every line. Sigh, sigh, and sigh.

I wrote this last Wednesday, I didn’t know if I should add it in, but what the hell.

Its 4:13am: late or early or what ever you like to call it. I can not sleep and all I want right now is some piece of mind.
I am a mess, and even though I am sleep deprived, I am still managing to walk in a straight line and talk in proper sentences but I can only hope I can last one more day. I know I am not in love: I do not know what it feels like be in love or how it feels to at least need someone.
I feel no matter how hard I want to believe I need you, I don’t. I just want you, I want you to want me, but deep down in my tiny little aching heart I know that it is not going to happen even though I really truly want it to.
It is silly, really it is. To want some one so bad and even though that person doesn’t even know, it is silly to have these feelings. I mean really? What is the point here? I am only putting myself in heart ache every time I see you. And you my boy don’t even have a clue.
I have tried controlling myself and my feelings, I have tried to ignore you and I have told myself continuously that you’re no good for me but it seems my heart doesn’t to want to hear it.
I know that you are just a distraction, a little decoy to keep my heart in misery, until the real thing comes along. Until then, I am going to have to focus on me. Something you will never get to do, because you don’t love me, like I love you.
You can choose who to love, but you can not choose to fall in love.

It is back to work for me, I have given myself a little two week break: writers block really drives me insane. I have been on the edge every morning, wanting to write but nothing to really worthy to write. I thought writers block was something that could never really happen to me, but guess what: It can.
I could write about you, and I have. But, you will never know because Johnny does not exist, he lives through you and through your words and actions, through my love I have towards you. Johnny is bad for me just like you are. That’s who Johnny is; he is just an actor playing your role.

It is easy to lose yourself in what ever you are doing. Be true to yourself, focus on yourself, because in the end, things change, things finish and in the end all you have left is yourself. It is so easy to get wrapped up in mess and shit. Be true to yourself. I say this because I have been embraced by what I was doing that I actually revolved my whole life around it, It wasn’t me, I was the girl in the story, a stranger, she is a complete opposite to who I am but I found myself doing things I would never do. Not only in writing but basically anything. Just like her, I revolved my life around you, wondering what you were doing, who you were with. Everything I did I wondered if you were doing the same. It isn’t healthy, I wish I can take those heart ache days back, even though I am still in heart ache, I wish I was never like back then.
I am me now, just a little Kikki who loves a boy who doesnt even know.

I went to Coldplay last night, honestly it was so emotional. I looked up to the ceiling and there were pink, white and yellow butterflies and yellow balloons filled with glitter falling down. It was so amazing. Yellow, fix you, the hardest part and the scientist are my favs. i'll post photogo's soon.

I have to go and shower then try to fall asleep. I have BIG day tomorrow, Soundwave festival with friends, going to see good bands and get drunk.

We will speak soon, until then, LOVELOVELOVE.