Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Good. Fine. Well.

When all the stars are gone, I will still be waiting.

The last seven days I have been spending it with my girl Alex. She arrived here last Tuesday we have spent every day together. It’s so weird, I am with her from morning til night and I don’t seem to get sick of her at all. She is an awesome chick and I have found someone who loves SYTYCD like I do. We actually watched finale together as well.

Speaking of SYTYCD, I cannot believe Talia won and Charlie was runner up. I am so proud of both of them. I have been rooting for Charlie since the very beginning and I am so proud, he is just a fab dancer. So SYTYCD is over, now I am going to have to figure out something else to do on Sunday and Monday nights at 7.30.

There has been a lot going on at the moment. My cousins wedding is on Sunday, but it is a four day wedding so we will be celebrating Saturday night, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday as well as Sunday. It is going to be a BIG week. I am excited: I have so many dresses I cannot wait to wear.
I am so glad this big wedding is on right now, it will give me a chance to get my mind off things and just relax, dance and celebrate my cousins wedding.

Still counting down the day until I go U.S.A, I am so excited. 2 months and 3 days to go. This trip is the only thing that is making me smile and what I am looking forward to. I will be in Cali and Nevada and NYC soon, and I am super, super excited.

Dreamt about you last night: it was so weird, everything was normal like it use to be and here we were just being us. You and me.
It felt so real; I could talk to you as myself. I could be myself for the first time around you. I could feel you and hear your words as they processed in my head, everything was real.
Just not real enough
I woke up this morning, for the first time I was really upset but also for the first time I was really happy.
Everything that was real that night disappeared that morning, everything I said, you said, all those words vanished like no one had spoken at all.
That made me upset, but what was a relief was, I could still remember you. The way you did your hair, smelled of that cologne. The way you spoke and acted. I could still remember you, even though I have missed you for months. Every time I think of these things, it makes me smile.
Why do I have to be like this?

I have a lot to tell, everything is so hectic right now, and I have been staying super busy. I have no time to think or eat breakfast in peace let alone have time to myself.
I cannot wait until there is just a time when I can lay on my bed, stare out my window and listen to a Beatles album.
I seriously need a break.

Tomorrow is hectic like the rest of my days of the week. Waking up early and going for a run to start the day then getting my shit together for the wedding.

I actually had a little heart to heart with a friend of mine recently. I told her about my past and how I was not a regular teenage kid. I spent most of my days with my family or in my bedroom where I would dream about my future.
I also had a guy best friend who betrayed me many years ago; he broke my heart in so many ways possible. I truly loved him. I don’t think I will ever get over him even though it seemed forever ago. What really sucks is that even though I haven’t seen him in almost seven years, I still think of him as a friend. He told me that we will be friends forever like every other 13 year old tells their best friend.
He told me that nothing will get in the way or between us. Long story short unfortunately someone did get in-between us, she became his girlfriend and I became his nothing, weren’t my best friends.
I was going through so much heart ache that I didn’t go to school for a week, I cried myself to sleep for three months and out of so much anger, I called him an arsehole in front of his friends, he didn’t speak to me for a whole year until graduation, I asked him if everything was cool between us, and even though he said “yeah”, I could tell that those eyes that I was looking into that day werent my best friends.

I still think of him as a friend, even though I don’t know how he looks like. Sometimes I wish that “girl” didn’t come into our lives, but things happen for a reason. When I told my friend this story, I cried for the first time in so long. I am still heart broken
We planned things that were for the future, big things were going to happen for us but they all came tumbling down in the matter of three days. John Lennon was right, “Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.

Things are good right now. Life is fine and I am well. Enjoying things as they come and they keep getting better.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

No one understands.

This is where I belong:

I may be small, but I think this city is just big enough.

Honestly. Evolve.

I though it was time for a change. I am always changing; I’d like to think for the better and I thought it was time to change the things around me. I threw and gave away some of my dearly loved clothes and gave my blog a make over.
I am on a journey of enlightenment and I am evolving to be a better person, a person who lives in a place of love, hope and happiness. I’d like to think that not only am I evolving myself but I also have an impact on other people to evolve for the better as well. Let’s be each other’s inspiration, let’s laugh, live and love.

Tonight I hung with my girl Alex and then ate dinner. It’s been such a busy week. I took my dresses in so they can fix them up and I will be picking them up on Tuesday. I have a kitchen tea tomorrow and I have no idea what I am going to wear, it seems that is my biggest decision right now.

Last night I spent the night at my brothers’ house with my sister. I woke up this morning with my puppy waiting for me outside the door; it was such a good start to the morning. I have made a list of things I want to do this year, some things are for myself but most things are to improve friendships, relationships and ownerships. I wrote that I want to spend more time with my puppy. I know I have been bad and not spent time with my much adored pup but time has got a hold of me lately, hopefully very soon things will change and I will be back to spending some time with him and a Frisbee.

Honestly, I don’t know what to think or how to feel right now. I really don’t care if you have someone or not. Maybe she is deserving of your love, who ever she is.
I honestly don’t know why I set my eyes on you, you weren’t the hottest guy in the room, nor were you the funniest but something that night attracted me to you that night and sometimes I wonder why? Maybe you were just a rare find and I was the fool who found you.
It is just a waste of time, for me personally I think there are better things I could be doing with my time instead of sitting here listening to your record and thinking of you.

Tomorrow night is grand final night. I am so excited and cannot wait to see who will win. I am aslo sad that it is the last episode of SYTYCD Australia until next year. oh well, I think I'll just have to watch SYTYCD USA to keep me company until then.

My book is going really good. I have added a person touch but also a bit of fiction. These characters are in my life, they are the people who I surround my life with and who I spend time with, these characters are my dear friends. I have had so much fun writing about what I have been up to in my book, it’s like a journal or a blog and I love writing. Hopefully it will be on shelves in the next couple of years. I am putting all my emotions, heartbreak and happiness into this book and I hope that you feel it.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

My Mraz.

So many things have happened but no enough time to tell.
This past week was insane,. Saturday I was at the Blues and Roots Festival. What a day! So fun, so amazing.

I saw Ben Kweller for the first time. It was actually a time to remember, I spent that whole day with my best friend and her man. It was so good seeing Ben, he is such a musician, I never realised how good his songs were until I heard him live.

Half way through the day we lined up at the signing tent waiting for Ben. He is such a cutie, my girl Beans was hyperventilating so much that she turned pale and looked like she was about to faint. I took a photo with Ben also. He hugged me and told me that “this” could be our prom photo and then kissed me on the check. So cute. Ha.

When Jason came on I though I was going to faint, I have waited so long for him, he was amazing, pure entertainment and an all round Geek-Genius.
So the day was pretty spectacular but just seeing my Mraz was even better.
Whole day update: Met Ben, sang with Missy Higgins and danced with Jason Mraz. Awesome!

Saturday, Sunday, Monday and Tuesday was my orthodox Easter. Ate so much food it is not funny. Now I feel a bit too big but it is ok because I am busting it on the dance floor and at the gym so I guess it will be all made up.

I haven’t been to Dance in two weeks, such a shame. I actually saw my buddy for Dance tonight and told me the class is pretty empty without me that says a lot, doesn’t it?

So better go, I have to wake up early tomorrow and meet up with my three girls so we can chat laugh and be girly.

My book is going well. No where near being finished but it's on its way.

I’ll have to put a longer update soon, but this is just for now. My girl Keltie Colleen started her new show called Peepshow in Vegas on Saturday. So cool, cant wait to see her in Vegas.

Live laugh love.

Friday, April 17, 2009

A Fearless Tiny Dancer.

Tomorrow is Jason and Ben’s day. I am so excited; I will get to see not only them but my beautiful beans who I have not seen in so long.

Today was a really short day. I woke up extremely tired and decided to wake myself up with a quick fitness attack. I love the treadmill, I use to have my own treadmill at home but I never used it so I sold it and now I just can’t get enough of it. Half an hour on the tread and half an hour on the bike, then 20 mins of weights, such a good start to the day.
Life is pretty busy at the moment. I was driving with my dad today. He gets so nervous when he’s in the car while I am driving like I am about to crash into a pole or something. Poor daddy.

Right now I am waiting for my cousin to get me, I am at his house and it is so noisy that I have to lock myself in his room and just surf the net. I have a huge headache but a bigger family but its family and no matter how noisy they are, I will always love them.

I have got a photo shoot coming up which I am really excited about: it’s with my friend Nikki who’s an awesome photographer. Love her to bits. In the shoot I get to wear what ever I want and do my make up and hair how ever I want. I love the freedom. I might go all classic like Audrey and Grace but also something sexy like Marylyn.
I can’t wait, the shoot is in a couple of weeks and I will post the photos up as soon as I get them.

Right now I am reading the third book of the Twilight saga, Eclipse. I am halfway through the book, I am also reading another at the moment so don’t get a chance to catch up on Eclipse as much as I’d like. The other book I am reading requires heaps of attention, it’s called Road Safe and it’s called that because I am learning to get my L’s. hopefully I’ll get my learners permit soon, but I don’t think I’ll get them anytime soon because I have a lot on my plate right now, such as the trip!! I think I might get my learners soon though, because then I can drive myself to as many dance classes I want without harassing my mother. Freedom is needed.

And oh the trip, it’s getting really exciting. I have booked all my hotels and one of them being the Hard Rock in Vegas!! I cannot wait and there are 2 and a half months to go. In two weeks time I’m going to start packing and making a list of things I need to get.

I sometimes don’t understand and wonder if I will ever be the same girl. The one before you walked into my life?
Will I, or will I just be this girl, that is just wondering that maybe a guy like you would never break her heart and tell her that you love her every single day.
Will there ever be a day where I do not think about you?

Dance. It’s my thing. I am obsessed with dance. Don’t know why and I don’t know how, just am.
I love every dance movie, dance show and dance-thing. I would love to go far in dance as a career but I don’t know if I’ve got it and if I have started “dancing” too late.
I’d love to dance in video clips and performances. Also shows on Broadway, oh Broadway!!
I’d really like to be a Radio City Rockette and live in my little Manhattan apartment where I won’t be able to get much sleep.
I want to point my toes and shake my little money maker. Ha-Ha.
Some people just don’t understand. What a shame.

Lately I have been experimenting with make-up and maybe thinking about signing up to a make up course. Something like Napoleon Perdis?

Things are happening, big things. I try not to stay safe inside my warm home. I try to take each day like it is the last adventure, like it is the first day of my life. I want to chase my dreams, not follow them. I don’t want an ordinary nine-to-five job; I don’t want a job in an office with a great pay and a spectacular view. You can take all that away. I want to express myself in art. I don’t want a permanent address; I want to travel and take all my things where ever I go. I want to wake up in a new city every week and see things, do things that I may not have done in that office job.
I want to dance and sing my way down Broadway. I want to see my best friends’ art exhibition rise to the very top in every city. I want a little apartment in little Manhattan so when things get tough I can always call that home. I don’t want to stay here. I want to be rich, but I don’t mind being poor as long as I am always successful in my own right. I want to do little video updates to my family who are on the other side of the world of the things I have got up to. I want to blog about these things; I want to write about these things. I want them to be true so when I do write about them, they won’t be classified as fiction. I want everything in this paragraph and more.
One thing I will always know: I will follow my nose where ever it may lead me.

Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.
-Barack Obama

I love everything about Barak but most of all I love his way with words.

CREDIT: pleasefindthis.
You cannot kill me here. Bring your soldiers, your death, your disease, your collapsed economy because it doesn’t matter, I have nothing left to lose and you cannot kill me here. Bring the tears of orphans and the wails of a mother’s loss, bring your God damn air force and Jesus on a cross, bring your hate and bitterness and long working hours, bring your empty wallets and love long since gone but you cannot kill me here. Bring your sneers, your snide remarks and friendships never felt, your letters never sent, your kisses never kissed, cigarettes smoked to the bone and cancer killing fears but you cannot kill me here. For I may fall and I may fail but I will stand again each time and you will find no satisfaction. Because you cannot kill me here.

Peace. Love. Beauty. Hope. Live. Laugh. Dance. Sing. Inspire. And Change.

Love you fools.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

What if i could never be replaced. Would you still love me?

Awesome show tonight on SYTYCD, it was absolutely amazing. The top 20 were all there and that means there is only two weeks to go until we find out who will be Australia’s favourite dancer. What an amazing journey.

So it is five days until I see Jason, and I am getting more excited as the days go by. I am hyperventilating every time I think about it. I am just psyched.
Also I will get to see beans too, and that is just unbelievable. I haven’t seen that girl in sooo long. I miss her to bits every day.

So today is Mr Urie’s birthday and I just wanted to wish him the best birthday. And for yesterday I wanted to wish Ms Reed a happy, happy 21st.

Today was a waste of a day. I woke up at 3 and wondered where my day had gone; only to find out I slept it away.

I looked at life today. It didn’t look so good from where I was standing. I don’t like being replaced; I don’t think anyone liked being replaced by something or some other.
I took this personal only because it is personal. You can think what you like, she can be the funniest girl in that room, even the prettiest but in the end, it’s what is missing that counts.
You know when someone leaves my life, I look for something to fill that place in, whether it be music or writing or maybe I just gain a new friend, but the difference with me is, that “friend” will take a new space in my life, not replace an old one.

Also I forgot to tell you, so embarrassing. I was at a 21st two weeks ago and I had a balloon tied to my waist. As I was walking out, I shut the door right behind me forgetting that I still had a balloon tired to be. As I walked forward, I was fully flung back. So embarrassing, almost everyone saw and someone wrote about it in the 21st book that was lying around. I am such a dork.

I didn’t see you, I was so upset. I got so hyped up that maybe I had a chance to see your smile or even your face, but that idea went down the drain. I was heartbroken. I wish you knew how I felt.

I am going to go now, and continue with my book. I have gave this book every breath, every ounce of emotion and every last tear and smile. I know it will be great.
Last night I stayed up to 4.30 writing in my phone of things not to forget that I want to add in my book. My phone has almost no storage left and my fingers are killing me.

Friday, April 10, 2009

And so the story goes. Somewhere nobody knows

Ok, I officially have the BEST, best friend in the world. Last night, this morning I got a message on my phone from my best friend saying she needed to speak to me about something important. I called her and I can officially say that has been the best phone call I have had. She bought ME a ticket to blues and roots to see my guy JASON MRAZ. I can not believe it. She is so selfless, kind and beautiful and I love her.

So now that I am going to see my Mraz, I am really excited. I can’t wait. Not only I will I get to see Mraz but also Missy Higgins, John Bulter Trio and Ben Kweller and I will also get to see my girl and her man. I can’t wait beans. I love you, I love you and I love you.

My book is doing amazing right now. It’s all muddled up and things are in the wrong places but I really think it’s getting on the right track. I think I am in love with my book.
I haven’t written in it since Wednesday because I have been so busy. But all is good and sooner than soon I will be back in my old ways, my long nights and my early mornings in my book writing. I can’t wait to be not busy.

Speaking of my book, I changed the “plot” a bit. Now it is more personal and comes from the heart. These characters have been through what my best friend and I have been through. This character is more of a reflection of me than a fictional character. She will be talking about “her” life and what she’s been through. I am going to change things here and there but it will be something real and that’s all I want it to be right now. Just real.

Well I got my Twilight DVD from the U.S on Monday so my sister and I decided to host a little Twilight party today and watch the movie. My four of my cousins came over and watched with us. It was so, so good to just watch a good movie and get fat with friends. I loved today. It was so easy and clam which isn’t like most of my days.

This book is tearing me to pieces. It takes me back so many years ago. Some years that I really wish I didn’t waste. But most of all it reminds me of you. I have only known you such a short while but yet, everything in these one and a half years reminds me of you. Sometimes I just want to forget everything, including this book. But most of the time I just want to go ahead and write so I know where I went wrong.

Tell me what I did wrong to not have you in my arms.

Monday, April 6, 2009

I will write a song for you in roses.

I don’t know if I am strong enough to get over you now. Now is not the time, I have better things to be thinking about but you seem to slither your way up the list. I have kept everything that reminds me of you. I am silly for doing that, I know I shouldn’t but I kept it and hid it under my bed. I don’t know why, maybe so I feel a bit closer to you or maybe I am still dreaming that one day I can show you the things I kept and you will be flattered.

I was looking at old photos of old times tonight. It is such a shame time flew past us and I didn’t even get to say the things I have wanted to say.
I have realised that you are most of my inspiration behind my book. I don’t care if I come second in your life; I just want to be in it. I would only care if am not close to you. I know being you comes with highs and lows and other priorities and it is fine with me but all I want from you is to say you would love me and that you would never want to hurt me. That is all I want. Money and material things don’t mean jack to me. just give me your word and let me be yours.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

I'm booked out until 1021.

So my book is kind of on a pause right now. I still have to get some stuff sorted before I continue. It has been a big weekend for me and I miss sleep very much.

Thursday night I went out for late night ice cream with my sister and our friend who is a photographer. We were talking and she asked me and my sis to be models for her upcoming shoot. I can not wait, it will be in a couple of weeks but I will keep you posted.
Friday night went to a club with some friends; it was really good just to hang out and catch up with all of them. We were around 9 of us just drinking, dancing and having fun. I loved being around my friends.
Last night I went belly dancing for a Hens’ night. Oh my gosh, can you spell workout? I seriously worked it up on the dance floor. It was so fun.

This week at dance was so hard, I think most of all because I was sick, I had a stuffy nose, my head was pounding and the throat was so dry. I actually like the slow part of the routine because I couldn’t breathe so it gave me a chance to actually catch my breath. I can’t wait till next week.
Big things are happening in Kikki land, and I am so excited. I have so many things to look forward to and this has been the first year I am really happy of what I have accomplished already.

YOU. You make my heart flutter in all different directions, you make it jump up in my throat and it throbs so hard it gives me headaches.
You are who I write this for and who I write this book to. You are the reason I write because then maybe one day you will know how I feel and it will all make sense to you. Then maybe you will know why I act the way I do when I am around you.
I am hoping it will all make sense, someday.

I just got an email from an overseas friend who was here a couple of months ago for a holiday. It’s been a while since I spoke to him but glad to hear he is doing ok back in his home town.

Well I am going to get some light reading and some serious sleeping done for the rest of the night.