its late and your mama dont know.

Last night was my first break in a while where didn’t write in my book. Last night I felt so free and relaxed, but although I knew it was my night “off” the only thing that kept going through my head was Marlow. These two are crazy in love right now, and can’t seem to leave me or my creative head alone. I thought I could lay in bed just listening to music, but I was wrong. The whole time I was choreographing moves and feeling and words. It was pathetic; I guess I really found a place where I belong, so much in fact that I can’t seem to be left alone.
Although I needed a break last night, it was really hard just relaxing. I have a lot of creative outlets, but right now writing seems to be the only creative outlet that I can do for Marlow and Lincoln.
I was actually thinking about my book, and I know it takes a million tries to at least get one book published, but I couldn’t help but to think what if my book turned into a movie. I began thinking about the settings and the characters and thinking what actors would do a better job at portraying what character. For one I think Zooey Deschanel will do an amazing job taking the role of the “best friend, Abbey”
That’s the farthest I got about thinking “Actors” but maybe when my book is done and “Published” I’ll get something done.

Speaking of writing, I have a bucket load of lyrics and songs which stay in a file on my old grey laptop and just sit there. I was wondering maybe I should start getting my quitar out and doing some shiz with it. Don’t know.

I am majorly into “Tru Blood” right now, as well as “Glee” and “The Vampire Diaries”
I have been spending most of my time on the computer though, so it’s the only shows I basically watch.

So you think you can dance, Australia auditions were October 1st, here in Perth. I can’t wait to see who will competing in next year’s show. Hopefully I will be in there in a couple of year’s time. Cross fingers

My birthday is in 14 days, and then my birthday party which is on Halloween offcourse. But I have no idea what I’m dressing up as, my costume always seems to come last minute anyway…my I’ll go as a vampire?
I will be in Europe again, a month or two after my bday, this time it will be winter, with REAL snow suppose to a month back when it was sizzling hot weather.

i got asked this question a couple of days ago. if i could have a girls dinner party and i could invite anyone but only 6 girls, they would be.
Beans, Keltie colleen, Taylor swift, Raquel reed, Hayley williams and katy perry,

Soooo that’s it lady and lad bugs. Il seee you soon.

Just a little update coz im a little anti social

It has been an incredible journey. I am back, safe and happy. I am even happier that I have a computer beside me at all times now that if I need something to write down. Overseas was hard when I was in my creative mood, it also put a hold to my book which I was sad about but the trip was amazing in everyway possible. My heart broke when we had to leave New York; it is the one place I feel I belong. I was really young when I first went there but I remember saying that if there was a place big enough for me that it would be NY. And now that I went back as an adult those feelings couldn’t be any stronger. I was sick and it was cold and raining while I was in NY and although that kind of put a very gross mood to things, I couldn’t have been happier being there. I loved it soooo much. Just being on Broadway took my breath away.
Vegas took my heart away. That place is just rad, old, young, wise and immature. There is something there for everyone.
And London, wow. If there was a place I could just subside apart from NY, it be London for sure. Amazing. Rad. Awesome.

My new saying is ARA, which stands for Amzing. Rad. Awesome.
I love it. It brings the dork out of me,

Also my book is doing amzing, I have changed it a lot in some ways. Some new characters have come to stay in my heart and the plot is changed in a way too. I guess I am now basing it on my world trip, but there is still some of my original book in it.
I am in love with what I am doing, every night I go to bed tried and my eyes so sore from the computer but it is an addiction that I love, hopefully I will be a published author sometime next year. And I am hoping it is soon.

“He inspires me, although he doesn’t know I exist, I think I love him, he brings the best and the worst out from me, and although I cant help that, I don’t care, I just want him around.”

I still can't believe it. RIP.

I still cannot believe it.

Today is a very sad, sad day in my world.
Today, the world has lost the king of pop.

RIP Michael Joseph Jackson
(August 29, 1958 – June 25, 2009}

Today, I put on my MJ records and celebrated the life of the man I love.
Today, he will join all the greats, Elvis Presley, Audrey Hepburn, Marilyn Monroe and John Lennon.

We will never forget you.

Far far away. Away from you

Seven days. I am honestly getting so excited, I cannot wait.

I have been packing for so many months, but no I really got to get myself to work because there is so much packing to do in seven days that it’s just insane. So much to do, so little time.
In seven days I will be enjoying a day in Auckland, I can not wait, I have never been to New Zealand but no many friends who have and they say it is wonderful and in eight days I will be in LA, enjoying summer, the sun and the Hollywood lights.

Lately I have been running around like a moron for the past few weeks collecting and gathering stuff that I will probably need for the next few months. it has been such a long time, for these past few months I have only thought about myself and it felt so good, I didn’t care where you were, what you were doing or who you were with. I didn’t count down the days since I last saw you, or how you smiled when I would say something really stupid I didn’t care, until last night.

It took me a really long time to fall asleep, I listen to my ipod so loud to block my thoughts out. I guess those four hours in bed had to make up for the last six months. I missed new years eve, your birthday and a couple of months ago when on a Sunday night you were at the exact same bar. I am so glad I missed you, because I wouldn’t have at least tried to move on from you if you were still apart of my life.

Things are really hard, I know. and one day, I hope you know too.

My book is crazy and it is doing wonderful. I am going to miss the late night writing while I am away, but I have an empty book and a pen to keep me company and creative on long flights far away.

just wanted you to know. i miss you. very much but i miss her, even more.

Osession + Crazy-nice

It was my sister’s birthday on Saturday. We sang to the Beatles, ate really good cake and then spent the whole night staying up around the dining table talking to four of our friends.

It was good just to sit, laugh and eat and just feel relaxed. I feel these past couple of months having been nothing but hectic and now since there is 22 days left until I go on “tour” I guess there is nothing really left to do but relax.

So there is 22 days before I go to the U.S and I am super excited. I am getting my stuff together and running around like a little chicken. Things are good and better things are coming. I know when I get back I am going to have to work really hard but I am prepared and can not wait to get started on this trip.

I have been away from blog-land for a bit but that’s because I can barely get a moment just to catch up.
I have been very sick for the past couple of days, I feel like my head is pounding against a wall made of bricks and there is nothing to stop it feeling like that. Today, I was really low so I thought I’d freshen up by cleaning my room and watching a corny Disney movie by the name of Highshool Musical.

Things are good and they just keep getting better although I am sick. I have been getting work done on my book though not as much as I would like too, but I’ve got a lot on my plate right now so I guess I am doing fine for now.

I am happy, though I will never be fully satisfied. I know this because there are bigger and better things to set my goal as rather than just settling with what I get or accomplish. Sometimes I will look back wondering what would have happened if I just took that right turn. And sometime I would not care. We both are here, though you weren’t the one who ended up hurt. I know maybe one day I will look back and wont feel a thing or maybe when I look back I will still be hurting. But maybe I just won’t look back.

One day we will meet our match and I believe every girl deserves a nice guy that is crazy for her. We all deserve a crazy nice guy.

22 days to go!!!

Down and UPdate

Cannot speak long, I have to get back to get my butt to work. I only have ten mins: go!

I have been so busy for the last couple of weeks that I haven’t had any time for myself. Been watching a whole lotta movies at my bro’s house. He was away for the week and I got to stay at his and raid his DVD sets. So fun.
I watched Marley and Me for the third time this year and still could not stop crying, that movie is ultra sad.

I got my suitcase out and I am getting ready to start packing. I am getting so excited about this trip, I have dreamt about this for so long and now in a month, I am going.
It is super exciting.

I just wanted to say it sucks when you’re the only one whose heart hurts. It has been such a long time since I have seen your face, but it still haunts me and follows my thoughts. I don’t need you, I just need to be strong, and that’s all.

Last night I watched a Disney movie, and it reminded me about a time in my life where I still believed all people were good and nice to each other. Where everyone was happy and where love still lived in everyone’s heart.
Last night as I watched this movie, I believed that and I still do.

I went to my cousin’s house and decided it was time to take out all the old home videos and watch them. Five years ago I was a completely different girl, I would have never of thought I would turn into this person today. I am so glad I did. Evolving emotionally and physically is truly gratifying

I have worked on my book every night for the last two weeks, I am so proud of this and happy about where it is heading. This is truly rewarding. I am yet to read it to someone. Hopefully my sister is willing to soon.

It had been so hectic here at Kikki Headquarters but as soon as I can just a moment to myself, I’ll keep you up to date.

I dont like little white lies.

I like being me.

I like big cities, I like winter, I like being able to make a fool of myself and laugh about it. I like rainbows and rain. I like strangers who smile. I like dancing and writing. I like dramatic makeup. I like doggies. I like all animals. I like fantasies. I like surprises. I like adventures. I like theatre and musicals. I like magic. I like watching stars. I like romantic movies. I like cold days. I like listening to my iPod early in the morning. I like not getting up before 10. I like noise. I like reading. I like glitter and costumes. I like music. I like being able to dance in the rain under the street light without someone calling me a freak, I am not a freak. I am just a dork who likes dancing in the rain under a street light. That is all.

I have a photo shoot this upcoming week, I am so excited, have no idea what I am going to wear, but I can only hope that I will rock the camera. My neighbour came over tonight to have a movie marathon, didn’t end up watching more that two movies but it was good, we sat and chatted and ate potato chips.

Tomorrow, I am catching up with friends. I have been anti-social for a month and so tomorrow I will be off with three of my fave girls out for a drink. I am excited, considering I haven’t been out for a while, it will be nice just to sit, chat and relax.

Here are some pointless points:

• My hair has grown an inch, I have decided I am going to “try” and grow it.
• The songs I can’t get out of my head are, “can’t get you out of my head” by Kylie and “flightless birth American Mouth” by Iron and Wine.
• I am going to start “packing” in three days, suitcase is out on Monday
• My book is going well, I have to read a paragraph or two to my sister, something I am excited about but also been dreading.
• Holly Madison is joining Peepshow.
• Keltie Colleen makes being a dork cool.

The other day I was talking to a friend about how people protect us but end up hurting us more. Lying is not a way of protecting someone from the truth, it just makes it worse. I just want to live in a world where people are honest. We don’t need little white lies.

Went to the gym today, came home being sick. I feel very “sick” in a way that I just don’t want to eat anything. Hopefully tomorrow I will wake up fresh.

Where the City meets the Sea

I haven’t had a chance to catch my breath in the last eight days. This wedding has been the biggest wedding by far that I have ever been too, so many dinners and so much dancing.

I caught the bouquet that the bride over her shoulder and also the week before the wedding I won best toilet paper bride. It looks like there is a pattern emerging. As the bride and groom walked down the isle, I wondered if I would have a big family wedding like this one, or if I was going to have a small ceremony with only my closest family and friends, or if I was going to elope or something like that. As I get older I see my future changing. I always wanted to get married really young and be a young mother, but now marriage and kids feel like they can wait another ten years before I even consider them. I know, ok I don’t even have a boyfriend, but I would like to focus on my career and my future before I start thinking about someone else’s

My girl Alex left Thursday. She caught the 10am flight to Sydney and although it has only been four days since I last saw her, I already miss her. When you spend morning till the next morning, everyday for two weeks with one person, you adapt to them. I think I have adapted to Alex and her ways a bit too much coz now I find myself doing something things she use to do. Hopefully I will get to see her soon though.

I just wanted to wish my Mama a very, very happy mother’s day. Today we spent the day at the zoo and then on our way home drove into the city for a little detour. Today was wonderful. I actually got up-close and personal with a friend of mine who I named Kenny the Kangaroo. He came up to me when I wasn’t expecting it and we had a little chat, he stayed only for ten minutes and then bounced along to somewhere else.

I like being busy. My life since I can remember has always been full-on. I like it, I am not that girl who can stand in a quiet room and not talk. I always have to have noise around me. I like laughter and talking, maybe that’s why we were so different. I always had to have the attention. I love the attention, I don’t care if I make a fool of myself in public, I like entertaining people. I like making funny faces and being a dork. I like laughing so much that my belly starts to hurt. If there is a quiet room, I am automatically the first person to break the ice. I like being this way, and if you don’t I am sorry. That’s why I want to be in New York, it’s because not only do I belong there but for everyday I wake up in that city, I will never feel out of place.

Although I love noise and a hectic lifestyle, there is only one place I love to sit and think and watch the sun go down. I haven’t been to this place in so long but I recently visited this place and it put my mind to ease. I had realised how much I loved and miss this. I use to go walking every Wednesday night and watch the sunset but lately time has got hold of me.

happy mothers day. Spoil your Mamma's and love her with all your hearts and remember to tell her that she is loved every single day!

Good. Fine. Well.

When all the stars are gone, I will still be waiting.


The last seven days I have been spending it with my girl Alex. She arrived here last Tuesday we have spent every day together. It’s so weird, I am with her from morning til night and I don’t seem to get sick of her at all. She is an awesome chick and I have found someone who loves SYTYCD like I do. We actually watched finale together as well.

Speaking of SYTYCD, I cannot believe Talia won and Charlie was runner up. I am so proud of both of them. I have been rooting for Charlie since the very beginning and I am so proud, he is just a fab dancer. So SYTYCD is over, now I am going to have to figure out something else to do on Sunday and Monday nights at 7.30.

There has been a lot going on at the moment. My cousins wedding is on Sunday, but it is a four day wedding so we will be celebrating Saturday night, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday as well as Sunday. It is going to be a BIG week. I am excited: I have so many dresses I cannot wait to wear.
I am so glad this big wedding is on right now, it will give me a chance to get my mind off things and just relax, dance and celebrate my cousins wedding.

Still counting down the day until I go U.S.A, I am so excited. 2 months and 3 days to go. This trip is the only thing that is making me smile and what I am looking forward to. I will be in Cali and Nevada and NYC soon, and I am super, super excited.

Dreamt about you last night: it was so weird, everything was normal like it use to be and here we were just being us. You and me.
It felt so real; I could talk to you as myself. I could be myself for the first time around you. I could feel you and hear your words as they processed in my head, everything was real.
Just not real enough
I woke up this morning, for the first time I was really upset but also for the first time I was really happy.
Everything that was real that night disappeared that morning, everything I said, you said, all those words vanished like no one had spoken at all.
That made me upset, but what was a relief was, I could still remember you. The way you did your hair, smelled of that cologne. The way you spoke and acted. I could still remember you, even though I have missed you for months. Every time I think of these things, it makes me smile.
Why do I have to be like this?

I have a lot to tell, everything is so hectic right now, and I have been staying super busy. I have no time to think or eat breakfast in peace let alone have time to myself.
I cannot wait until there is just a time when I can lay on my bed, stare out my window and listen to a Beatles album.
I seriously need a break.

Tomorrow is hectic like the rest of my days of the week. Waking up early and going for a run to start the day then getting my shit together for the wedding.

I actually had a little heart to heart with a friend of mine recently. I told her about my past and how I was not a regular teenage kid. I spent most of my days with my family or in my bedroom where I would dream about my future.
I also had a guy best friend who betrayed me many years ago; he broke my heart in so many ways possible. I truly loved him. I don’t think I will ever get over him even though it seemed forever ago. What really sucks is that even though I haven’t seen him in almost seven years, I still think of him as a friend. He told me that we will be friends forever like every other 13 year old tells their best friend.
He told me that nothing will get in the way or between us. Long story short unfortunately someone did get in-between us, she became his girlfriend and I became his nothing, weren’t my best friends.
I was going through so much heart ache that I didn’t go to school for a week, I cried myself to sleep for three months and out of so much anger, I called him an arsehole in front of his friends, he didn’t speak to me for a whole year until graduation, I asked him if everything was cool between us, and even though he said “yeah”, I could tell that those eyes that I was looking into that day werent my best friends.

I still think of him as a friend, even though I don’t know how he looks like. Sometimes I wish that “girl” didn’t come into our lives, but things happen for a reason. When I told my friend this story, I cried for the first time in so long. I am still heart broken
We planned things that were for the future, big things were going to happen for us but they all came tumbling down in the matter of three days. John Lennon was right, “Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.

Things are good right now. Life is fine and I am well. Enjoying things as they come and they keep getting better.

No one understands.

This is where I belong:






I may be small, but I think this city is just big enough.

Honestly. Evolve.

I though it was time for a change. I am always changing; I’d like to think for the better and I thought it was time to change the things around me. I threw and gave away some of my dearly loved clothes and gave my blog a make over.
I am on a journey of enlightenment and I am evolving to be a better person, a person who lives in a place of love, hope and happiness. I’d like to think that not only am I evolving myself but I also have an impact on other people to evolve for the better as well. Let’s be each other’s inspiration, let’s laugh, live and love.

Tonight I hung with my girl Alex and then ate dinner. It’s been such a busy week. I took my dresses in so they can fix them up and I will be picking them up on Tuesday. I have a kitchen tea tomorrow and I have no idea what I am going to wear, it seems that is my biggest decision right now.

Last night I spent the night at my brothers’ house with my sister. I woke up this morning with my puppy waiting for me outside the door; it was such a good start to the morning. I have made a list of things I want to do this year, some things are for myself but most things are to improve friendships, relationships and ownerships. I wrote that I want to spend more time with my puppy. I know I have been bad and not spent time with my much adored pup but time has got a hold of me lately, hopefully very soon things will change and I will be back to spending some time with him and a Frisbee.

Honestly, I don’t know what to think or how to feel right now. I really don’t care if you have someone or not. Maybe she is deserving of your love, who ever she is.
I honestly don’t know why I set my eyes on you, you weren’t the hottest guy in the room, nor were you the funniest but something that night attracted me to you that night and sometimes I wonder why? Maybe you were just a rare find and I was the fool who found you.
It is just a waste of time, for me personally I think there are better things I could be doing with my time instead of sitting here listening to your record and thinking of you.

Tomorrow night is grand final night. I am so excited and cannot wait to see who will win. I am aslo sad that it is the last episode of SYTYCD Australia until next year. oh well, I think I'll just have to watch SYTYCD USA to keep me company until then.

My book is going really good. I have added a person touch but also a bit of fiction. These characters are in my life, they are the people who I surround my life with and who I spend time with, these characters are my dear friends. I have had so much fun writing about what I have been up to in my book, it’s like a journal or a blog and I love writing. Hopefully it will be on shelves in the next couple of years. I am putting all my emotions, heartbreak and happiness into this book and I hope that you feel it.

My Mraz.

So many things have happened but no enough time to tell.
This past week was insane,. Saturday I was at the Blues and Roots Festival. What a day! So fun, so amazing.

I saw Ben Kweller for the first time. It was actually a time to remember, I spent that whole day with my best friend and her man. It was so good seeing Ben, he is such a musician, I never realised how good his songs were until I heard him live.

Half way through the day we lined up at the signing tent waiting for Ben. He is such a cutie, my girl Beans was hyperventilating so much that she turned pale and looked like she was about to faint. I took a photo with Ben also. He hugged me and told me that “this” could be our prom photo and then kissed me on the check. So cute. Ha.

When Jason came on I though I was going to faint, I have waited so long for him, he was amazing, pure entertainment and an all round Geek-Genius.
So the day was pretty spectacular but just seeing my Mraz was even better.
Whole day update: Met Ben, sang with Missy Higgins and danced with Jason Mraz. Awesome!

Saturday, Sunday, Monday and Tuesday was my orthodox Easter. Ate so much food it is not funny. Now I feel a bit too big but it is ok because I am busting it on the dance floor and at the gym so I guess it will be all made up.

I haven’t been to Dance in two weeks, such a shame. I actually saw my buddy for Dance tonight and told me the class is pretty empty without me that says a lot, doesn’t it?

So better go, I have to wake up early tomorrow and meet up with my three girls so we can chat laugh and be girly.

My book is going well. No where near being finished but it's on its way.

I’ll have to put a longer update soon, but this is just for now. My girl Keltie Colleen started her new show called Peepshow in Vegas on Saturday. So cool, cant wait to see her in Vegas.

Live laugh love.

A Fearless Tiny Dancer.

Tomorrow is Jason and Ben’s day. I am so excited; I will get to see not only them but my beautiful beans who I have not seen in so long.

Today was a really short day. I woke up extremely tired and decided to wake myself up with a quick fitness attack. I love the treadmill, I use to have my own treadmill at home but I never used it so I sold it and now I just can’t get enough of it. Half an hour on the tread and half an hour on the bike, then 20 mins of weights, such a good start to the day.
Life is pretty busy at the moment. I was driving with my dad today. He gets so nervous when he’s in the car while I am driving like I am about to crash into a pole or something. Poor daddy.

Right now I am waiting for my cousin to get me, I am at his house and it is so noisy that I have to lock myself in his room and just surf the net. I have a huge headache but a bigger family but its family and no matter how noisy they are, I will always love them.

I have got a photo shoot coming up which I am really excited about: it’s with my friend Nikki who’s an awesome photographer. Love her to bits. In the shoot I get to wear what ever I want and do my make up and hair how ever I want. I love the freedom. I might go all classic like Audrey and Grace but also something sexy like Marylyn.
I can’t wait, the shoot is in a couple of weeks and I will post the photos up as soon as I get them.

Right now I am reading the third book of the Twilight saga, Eclipse. I am halfway through the book, I am also reading another at the moment so don’t get a chance to catch up on Eclipse as much as I’d like. The other book I am reading requires heaps of attention, it’s called Road Safe and it’s called that because I am learning to get my L’s. hopefully I’ll get my learners permit soon, but I don’t think I’ll get them anytime soon because I have a lot on my plate right now, such as the trip!! I think I might get my learners soon though, because then I can drive myself to as many dance classes I want without harassing my mother. Freedom is needed.

And oh the trip, it’s getting really exciting. I have booked all my hotels and one of them being the Hard Rock in Vegas!! I cannot wait and there are 2 and a half months to go. In two weeks time I’m going to start packing and making a list of things I need to get.

I sometimes don’t understand and wonder if I will ever be the same girl. The one before you walked into my life?
Will I, or will I just be this girl, that is just wondering that maybe a guy like you would never break her heart and tell her that you love her every single day.
Will there ever be a day where I do not think about you?

Dance. It’s my thing. I am obsessed with dance. Don’t know why and I don’t know how, just am.
I love every dance movie, dance show and dance-thing. I would love to go far in dance as a career but I don’t know if I’ve got it and if I have started “dancing” too late.
I’d love to dance in video clips and performances. Also shows on Broadway, oh Broadway!!
I’d really like to be a Radio City Rockette and live in my little Manhattan apartment where I won’t be able to get much sleep.
I want to point my toes and shake my little money maker. Ha-Ha.
Some people just don’t understand. What a shame.

Lately I have been experimenting with make-up and maybe thinking about signing up to a make up course. Something like Napoleon Perdis?

Things are happening, big things. I try not to stay safe inside my warm home. I try to take each day like it is the last adventure, like it is the first day of my life. I want to chase my dreams, not follow them. I don’t want an ordinary nine-to-five job; I don’t want a job in an office with a great pay and a spectacular view. You can take all that away. I want to express myself in art. I don’t want a permanent address; I want to travel and take all my things where ever I go. I want to wake up in a new city every week and see things, do things that I may not have done in that office job.
I want to dance and sing my way down Broadway. I want to see my best friends’ art exhibition rise to the very top in every city. I want a little apartment in little Manhattan so when things get tough I can always call that home. I don’t want to stay here. I want to be rich, but I don’t mind being poor as long as I am always successful in my own right. I want to do little video updates to my family who are on the other side of the world of the things I have got up to. I want to blog about these things; I want to write about these things. I want them to be true so when I do write about them, they won’t be classified as fiction. I want everything in this paragraph and more.
One thing I will always know: I will follow my nose where ever it may lead me.

Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.
-Barack Obama

I love everything about Barak but most of all I love his way with words.

CREDIT: pleasefindthis.
You cannot kill me here. Bring your soldiers, your death, your disease, your collapsed economy because it doesn’t matter, I have nothing left to lose and you cannot kill me here. Bring the tears of orphans and the wails of a mother’s loss, bring your God damn air force and Jesus on a cross, bring your hate and bitterness and long working hours, bring your empty wallets and love long since gone but you cannot kill me here. Bring your sneers, your snide remarks and friendships never felt, your letters never sent, your kisses never kissed, cigarettes smoked to the bone and cancer killing fears but you cannot kill me here. For I may fall and I may fail but I will stand again each time and you will find no satisfaction. Because you cannot kill me here.

Peace. Love. Beauty. Hope. Live. Laugh. Dance. Sing. Inspire. And Change.

Love you fools.

What if i could never be replaced. Would you still love me?

Awesome show tonight on SYTYCD, it was absolutely amazing. The top 20 were all there and that means there is only two weeks to go until we find out who will be Australia’s favourite dancer. What an amazing journey.

So it is five days until I see Jason, and I am getting more excited as the days go by. I am hyperventilating every time I think about it. I am just psyched.
Also I will get to see beans too, and that is just unbelievable. I haven’t seen that girl in sooo long. I miss her to bits every day.

So today is Mr Urie’s birthday and I just wanted to wish him the best birthday. And for yesterday I wanted to wish Ms Reed a happy, happy 21^st.

Today was a waste of a day. I woke up at 3 and wondered where my day had gone; only to find out I slept it away.

I looked at life today. It didn’t look so good from where I was standing. I don’t like being replaced; I don’t think anyone liked being replaced by something or some other.
I took this personal only because it is personal. You can think what you like, she can be the funniest girl in that room, even the prettiest but in the end, it’s what is missing that counts.
You know when someone leaves my life, I look for something to fill that place in, whether it be music or writing or maybe I just gain a new friend, but the difference with me is, that “friend” will take a new space in my life, not replace an old one.

Also I forgot to tell you, so embarrassing. I was at a 21^st two weeks ago and I had a balloon tied to my waist. As I was walking out, I shut the door right behind me forgetting that I still had a balloon tired to be. As I walked forward, I was fully flung back. So embarrassing, almost everyone saw and someone wrote about it in the 21^st book that was lying around. I am such a dork.

I didn’t see you, I was so upset. I got so hyped up that maybe I had a chance to see your smile or even your face, but that idea went down the drain. I was heartbroken. I wish you knew how I felt.

I am going to go now, and continue with my book. I have gave this book every breath, every ounce of emotion and every last tear and smile. I know it will be great.
Last night I stayed up to 4.30 writing in my phone of things not to forget that I want to add in my book. My phone has almost no storage left and my fingers are killing me.

And so the story goes. Somewhere nobody knows

Ok, I officially have the BEST, best friend in the world. Last night, this morning I got a message on my phone from my best friend saying she needed to speak to me about something important. I called her and I can officially say that has been the best phone call I have had. She bought ME a ticket to blues and roots to see my guy JASON MRAZ. I can not believe it. She is so selfless, kind and beautiful and I love her.

So now that I am going to see my Mraz, I am really excited. I can’t wait. Not only I will I get to see Mraz but also Missy Higgins, John Bulter Trio and Ben Kweller and I will also get to see my girl and her man. I can’t wait beans. I love you, I love you and I love you.

My book is doing amazing right now. It’s all muddled up and things are in the wrong places but I really think it’s getting on the right track. I think I am in love with my book.
I haven’t written in it since Wednesday because I have been so busy. But all is good and sooner than soon I will be back in my old ways, my long nights and my early mornings in my book writing. I can’t wait to be not busy.

Speaking of my book, I changed the “plot” a bit. Now it is more personal and comes from the heart. These characters have been through what my best friend and I have been through. This character is more of a reflection of me than a fictional character. She will be talking about “her” life and what she’s been through. I am going to change things here and there but it will be something real and that’s all I want it to be right now. Just real.

Well I got my Twilight DVD from the U.S on Monday so my sister and I decided to host a little Twilight party today and watch the movie. My four of my cousins came over and watched with us. It was so, so good to just watch a good movie and get fat with friends. I loved today. It was so easy and clam which isn’t like most of my days.

This book is tearing me to pieces. It takes me back so many years ago. Some years that I really wish I didn’t waste. But most of all it reminds me of you. I have only known you such a short while but yet, everything in these one and a half years reminds me of you. Sometimes I just want to forget everything, including this book. But most of the time I just want to go ahead and write so I know where I went wrong.

Tell me what I did wrong to not have you in my arms.

I will write a song for you in roses.

I don’t know if I am strong enough to get over you now. Now is not the time, I have better things to be thinking about but you seem to slither your way up the list. I have kept everything that reminds me of you. I am silly for doing that, I know I shouldn’t but I kept it and hid it under my bed. I don’t know why, maybe so I feel a bit closer to you or maybe I am still dreaming that one day I can show you the things I kept and you will be flattered.

I was looking at old photos of old times tonight. It is such a shame time flew past us and I didn’t even get to say the things I have wanted to say.
I have realised that you are most of my inspiration behind my book. I don’t care if I come second in your life; I just want to be in it. I would only care if am not close to you. I know being you comes with highs and lows and other priorities and it is fine with me but all I want from you is to say you would love me and that you would never want to hurt me. That is all I want. Money and material things don’t mean jack to me. just give me your word and let me be yours.

I'm booked out until 1021.

So my book is kind of on a pause right now. I still have to get some stuff sorted before I continue. It has been a big weekend for me and I miss sleep very much.

Thursday night I went out for late night ice cream with my sister and our friend who is a photographer. We were talking and she asked me and my sis to be models for her upcoming shoot. I can not wait, it will be in a couple of weeks but I will keep you posted.
Friday night went to a club with some friends; it was really good just to hang out and catch up with all of them. We were around 9 of us just drinking, dancing and having fun. I loved being around my friends.
Last night I went belly dancing for a Hens’ night. Oh my gosh, can you spell workout? I seriously worked it up on the dance floor. It was so fun.

This week at dance was so hard, I think most of all because I was sick, I had a stuffy nose, my head was pounding and the throat was so dry. I actually like the slow part of the routine because I couldn’t breathe so it gave me a chance to actually catch my breath. I can’t wait till next week.
Big things are happening in Kikki land, and I am so excited. I have so many things to look forward to and this has been the first year I am really happy of what I have accomplished already.

YOU. You make my heart flutter in all different directions, you make it jump up in my throat and it throbs so hard it gives me headaches.
You are who I write this for and who I write this book to. You are the reason I write because then maybe one day you will know how I feel and it will all make sense to you. Then maybe you will know why I act the way I do when I am around you.
I am hoping it will all make sense, someday.

I just got an email from an overseas friend who was here a couple of months ago for a holiday. It’s been a while since I spoke to him but glad to hear he is doing ok back in his home town.

Well I am going to get some light reading and some serious sleeping done for the rest of the night.

Make me hate you.

I have been working really hard on my book lately. I have pushed past writers block, doubt and criticism and I am still working on it. Sometimes I get confused to why I am really doing this, I don’t know why, all I know is that it makes me happy and I am pretty sure that is a good enough reason to keep doing it.
My ideas sometimes expand so much that I lose track to what I am doing, I want this to be apart of me but sometimes fiction can really take you away from everything, you get so into it that when you realise what you are actually doing it is nothing like you had planned. That really sucks. I have to contain myself if I want this to have any of my personality; it gets so out of hand that it seems that I am living in a world of my own. Sometime I wish it was true, but most of the time, I like where I am.

Last night’s Aussie VMAs were amazing, well, to me anyway. I loved it. I think Pete did a giddy job at being host, very cute, very funny, very cool cat.
I was at my brother’s last night, talked to my best girl who is doing wonderful. I am happy for her right now; she has found something in her life to make her feel what every person should feel. I am so happy that everything is going super amazing for her and I can not wait to see her, eat sushi and just chat and dance.
I am so excited for you beans, and I can not wait to see where this all goes!

I was going through my old messages, emails and texts from over the years a couple of nights ago, some of my really dark days but most of them of me just being annoying. Did I ever mention that you are wonderful? That you are amazing? I wanted to say a very big thankyou to my best friend. She has helped me through everything I have gone through. I love you. Thankyou for sticking with me and putting up with my shit: thankyou for listening and understanding and thankyou for being you.

So I finally thought of you last nigh, after trying so hard not to even think, I gave in. It is hard, and what’s harder than hard is that you don’t even know. I thought maybe if I try to keep you out of my head, maybe just maybe it will be easy on me to move on with my life and forget you and your greatness, well I was wrong but I am going to continue to block you out and maybe next time when we meet I won’t get nervous and I won’t say silly things that I will regret later, maybe if I don’t think about your greatness and focus on your negativity, maybe then I will realise I am better off without you.

Yesterday I didn’t get off my brother’s couch, today was good and tomorrow I will be doing some serious catching up with friends. My life is hard.
Actually I am really grateful in my life; I have so many big things happening to me that I can not believe it. I am going U.S in three months then I will be going to Europe and when I return I will have a two month break and off to Europe again. I am so excited what I have planned for myself. This is going to be a year to remember.

I just realised that my friend was born on the same day and year as Raquel Reed. Raquel Reed is an alternative model, she is cool and styling. That is all.

I watched the Audrey Hepburn Story the other night, the movie was awesome, it gave such an insight to Audrey’s life and what she had been through, I never really knew the whole story until now, the movie was good, Jennifer Love Hewitt was playing Audrey which kind of threw me off but I was surprised, I really liked it. I seriously love that Audrey: she is an actress, a showgirl, an entertainer. She is amazing and I love her.

These are the girls who give me inspiration:

Audrey Hepburn

Grace kelly

Marilyn Monroe.

This week in life.....

I am sleep deprived.

I am excited that my uncle is here.

I am happy.

I have been sleeping on the couch at my brother’s house for the past week; I have been house sitting and dog sitting while there because he is away. It’s so weird staying there, it feels like I haven’t been there forever, and now because I am so use to it, it feels like the old days.

While I was there, it reminded me of the past three years I had there. Those years were so hard; I didn’t know who I was as a person, and who I wanted to be. I spent so many sleepless nights there wondering if I would ever get my life on the right track. It’s funny to think that maybe that is the reason I find it so hard to sleep now. I miss my new house and my new bed.

I guess I am just happy where my life is heading for now.

My uncle finally arrived from overseas last week. He is so excited to be here, it was his first time on a plane so I guess it is even more scary and exciting for him. When he arrived I didn’t sleep for 27 hours, we just had so much to talk about.
I am so glad he is here.

Right now I am reading a variety of books. Heroin Diaries by Nikki Sixx, Tangles up in Daydreams by Rebecca Bloom and the third book in the twilight series: Eclipse
I am so into the Heroin Diaries and Eclipse right now, maybe I should really stick to one book?

I have great news, Friday night I was at my brother’s house, so while I was there, my sister rang me at midnight and told me some exciting news: that we are going to see the Cirque Du Soeil The Beatles LOVE show in Vegas. I can not wait. We got FRONT row tix.

Loredo and Gianne left SYTYCD this week, so sad: I really though they had potential to get far but never fear Charlie and Talia, Kat, Penny and Tim are still in. So Cool.

We started a new routine in dance last week, it is so fun. Shuffles and High kicks. It is so rad: I can not wait to do it all again tonight!

Three and A half months to go.

My uncle isn’t coming tomorrow; there was an error at the airport so he will hopefully here by Thursday or Friday.
So I have been really anti-social lately and that’s thanks to Angel. Seriously, I have never been so wrapped up in a TV show like this, so bizarre

Getting stuff done for the U.S, honestly it’s so frustrating. Getting everything done in a short amount of time seems to be impossible, but I’m just going to have to put my butt to work and do do do. I am aslo counting down the months, but they don't seem to pass quicker.

I got my cousin into the Twilight saga now too, so funny. She started reading the book and cannot wait until she reads the second and see’s the movie. I’m such a dork for getting everyone into it.

Last night was the first night in a while since I dreamed about you. You were amazing. I dreamed about that night when I said so many silly things and I felt like a fool. I wonder why I can never control myself when I am around you; sometimes I wish I could just be myself instead of that silly girl that would get nervous speaking to you.
I guess the only way I could ever be as close to you as I want to be is in my dreams but that is something I am just going to have to get use to.
When I get sad there is one thing that will cheer me up, and that is I know I am going to get a little break from this place and you. I am going to a world where it is far from yours, somewhere where people do not know your name. This world is going to be mine for two short months, but I will take it as a little journey coz I know I will need time to grow and get over you

All my friends came over last night, it was such a full house, we all sat around the coffee table watching SYTYCD and critiquing about how they danced. So funny, when they put Charlie and Penny down, I stood up for them, I believe they have something.
Charlie and Penny’s first number was AMAZING. Tonight is the verdict, I wonder who will go.

So that is it from me, now I am going to eat a veggie burger and get fat.

I LOVE

I love Blink-182
I love pink cupcakes
I love dancing
I love writing
I love SYTYCD
I love vampires {Twilight and Angel}
I love books
I love Marlow, Will and Johnny
I love winter but I like summer
I love TGA, ATL, PATD, MC, PM,
I love Jason M
I love bulldogs, French bulldogs and miniature bulldogs and Boxers Offcourse!.
I absolutely love Tyson and Jana
I love love love Sir Paul
I love Jack
I love Johnny greenwood
I love Halle
I love Keltie
I Love freddos
I love love love love love LOVE: Andy, Chris and Scott. Totally.
I love love

Today was good: I spent some time in my city and then decided to borrow a book for my library. I love books, I love reading. I just started reading REVOLVER: The secret history of the Beatles. So far it is awesome, I love reading about musicians autobiographies: they’re really entertaining.

My uncle is coming on the 17^th from Europe for my cousins wedding; I have not seen him since 04 and am really excited to catch up on everything.

I have school tomorrow, too cool.

I love life. It’s great!

I'm on my way.

Last night I was at a twenty-first, got changed three times until I found the perfect outfit. Yesterday I twisted my hair in little circles and bobby pinned them tightly, I actually fell asleep and when I woke up, my hair was in tight little curls, it actually looked like one of those hair do’s from the 1940s. So cute, but unfortunately it fell out after an hour, so I just put a flower in my hair so it would look like natural curls. So disappointing.

Today I woke up with a headache; friends came over and then booked my Vegas hotels. Staying in three hotels in Vegas, there were so many so we could only pick three. It is so exciting; now all I have left is LA, Disneyland, Memphis, NYC, London and Rome.
We are not staying in Paris anymore; we are just going to catch the train from London there and back for a day trip. So so cool.

I was suppose to have gone to the Rock-It festival today, my bouncer {that’s my brother’s nickname} got me a backstage pass, even though I did not have any tickets, but unfortunately I slept in way too long, then had work to do such as booking and things, and this headache that I have doesn’t necessarily makes me want to go out. Any way today I got a lot done, slept, booked and also had a chance to catch up on my shows.

Speaking of shows, Greek has ended which I am absolutely distraught about, for the past year Thursday nights with Greek were the best. Dammit.
I am addicted to Angel {the other half of Buffy the Vampire Slayer} but I can say this with any doubt that Angel is way cooler and better than Buffy. Totally.
SYTYCD Aust was amazing tonight; Danny and Kat, Charlie and Penny were amazing. I was so, so sad to see Chanelle go ;ast week; she was one of my faves.

Things in life are good; it’s nice to focus on myself and not on anyone else. I am jobless but happy. I am going to school to study something that I really love and I am going on a life changing trip in July, so I can say: life is really good.
I told my sister one of my dreams is to have a white Christmas in NYC, then she told me that maybe we can go to NY after my 21^st next year. So exciting, we might be in NY for Christmas and Vegas for NYE, which brings me to my next point, if I don’t get to see the Rockettes this year, there is always next year!

So I have managed to block you out of my life for now and it has been good, I have not thought about you for a while, until now.
Don’t invade my life, I beg you. You stay in my head for sunset to the early hours of the morning, wondering and hoping, I have read all the blogs I have wrote about you and seriously this thing has gone enough. This has gone on for a year and three months. I have not seen you for 3 months, and because I am counting it is making me feel real pathetic. Please help me and just stop invading my life with your loveliness. I don’t think I can be that strong to do it on my own.

Yesterday was a good day; I had my two year anniversary for being Vegetarian. It is so exciting. My sister bought me a mug with a beautiful saying on it. “Shoot for the moon, even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars” I love collecting mugs with sayings, it’s totally my new hobby but I only get them if a significant thing has happened in my life, I only have two so far, the other one is from my nineteenth that says Dance, Love, Sing, live. And it has little captions below each of the words.
I am so proud of myself for these past two years, honestly when I was trying to make a healthier choice for myself and a better choice for animals, I got looked down upon. It is hard growing up in a European family; they are meat eaters and always will be. When I told my mother about my decision she looked at me like I was insane. I got handed three hundred dollars {when I was broke and jobless} just to eat a steak, I handed back the money and didn’t eat the steak, because I knew I would never be able to trust myself again. Also money is pointless to me; I’d rather be doing something good and be happy.
I can say that my family have learnt to live with it, although they don’t like it, I am glad they accept it, plus it gives my mum a chance to make amazing veggie recipes,

Hears to two years of struggle and happiness. Help us help them. GO VEGGIE!
Here’s something to get your motivated, be like Paul and help save babe.

She's dancing fancy pirouettes

"Doctor Doctor give me the news, I got a bad case of loving you"

Just found out my brother was with Coldplay when they were here last Saturday, he was hanging with them at a club. As I have said, my bro is a bouncer and all of his friends are bouncers so he has connections. He told me if he knew I liked Coldplay so much he would have called me. I told him “Bro, offcourse I like Coldplay, I bought a freakin’ ticket!”
He laughed.

If you have probably realised, I have deleted some of my old posts, only the ones that have no point and have no place in my new chapter of my life, it is called moving on. I have kept most of them though, to remind me what I have gone through such as feelings, thoughts and things I have done but forgot about. It’s good to be reminded.

I actually just realised I deleted the update of Soundwave, as I said in the last post {that I accidentally deleted} it was Amazing. So much hype throughout the whole day, I actually can’t remember a moment where I was thinking ‘Damn this is boring’
This has been my second year of Soundwave, and it was as brilliant as last years. I can not wait for next years.
Bring on SOUNDWAVE O10

I am back in my old ways, in my good old ways. Listening to ATL, love them, but I love him more. His name is Jack. He plays guitar, is funny and dorkish, has nice hair and a hot body, he is my new obsession. I totally lovelovelove HIM.

Oh diet coke, I can not seem to get enough of you. Diet Coke, best friend or worst enemy?

I just saw a wonderful piece of Swan Lake called Pas De Deux, it was amazing, the way the “swan” bends her body like that is just brilliant, it is also enchanting; your eyes follow her every step as she moves and gracefully pirouettes alongside her “prince”. Just So Amazing.

Speaking of dancing: On the first week of July, I might get to see my dancer girl, Ms Colleen do her stuff along with Ms B {Scary Spice} in the awesome new show called PEEPSHOW, it is so exciting, also might even get to see the Rockettes next season. “Cross Fingers” and on the last week of July I will be in NYC and broadway-ing it all week. I can not wait to see all the plays and musicals. It is going to be my wonderland.

I saw my neighbours doggie today, ever since I moved in, I have been hearing a barking from their backyard, I always imagined a small petite puppy with white long fur and a pink collar. So imagine my surprise when I met a little miniature bulldog. I didn’t get to find its name out because I was playing with it so much. I love miniature bulldogs, French bulldogs, any type of bulldog really. I much rather have this dog as a neighbour than a white long furred puppy with a pink collar with the name of FIFI.

Here is a Love-A- Bull.

I found her on the Internet and I'm going to call her Zulu, a mix betweent Zuzu and Lulu. Excellent.

I WANT HER TO ME MINE.

I have been dreaming of the days that make perfect sense.

Today I spent the day scanning the internet for hotels/apartments in the US. It is so hard looking for an idea place to call home away from home.
Last Sunday I got to go to a wedding, wear a new dress and get drunk on strawberry Champaign. It was fun to just sit there with family and laugh.

Oh Rove, you’re funny, cute and the only man who keeps me company on a lonely Sunday night such as this one. Tonight you invited my three boys to entertain our party and I could not wait. It was such a surprise when during the commercials of SYTYCD you mentioned that they will be on the show to perform. I was sooo happy. I got to see them; they were amazing, as always. They blew my mind and me away.

They make me so happy, really, they do. I have never met anyone who can turn my emotions upside down like that. I am so honoured and blessed that I could share the world, my life and this beautiful sky with them. Until now I have never realised how much they inspire me, how much they give me hope and how much they could really make a difference. I remember the first day I met you, three years is such a long time but it feels like yesterday.
I would also like to celebrate 12 years of happiness, when I was eight when I found a poster of you in my brother’s music magazine, I then heard you play and even though I was too young to even know what prisoner of society meant I liked hearing you through the speakers of my brother’s stereo. My brother was the one who gave me the backstage pass that beautiful December 26^th in 05, I was ecstatic, I was captivate and I will be forever yours.
Now here I am, 12 years later and I am captivated all over again. I love you more as the days go by, even though I was too young back then to realise that you three were going to be my soul mates, I am so happy, grateful and blessed that things worked out the way they did.
Happy March first my beautiful boys. Before I forget, even though I have forgotten plenty of times, I think it is about time to do this:
Congrats Chris, your second child must be as beautiful as Charlie. You are now a daddy of two.
Also, it has been a while and I am so sorry to address this. I am so sorry for Moo, I know you must miss him. Scott, you are a daddy of two too. Hope you’re having fun playing Daddy Owen.
And to my last year’s valentine, My Andy, Congrats with the bundle of joy on the way, you will make a great addition to the fatherhood gang. You all manage to be true to your roles as husbands and fathers and also your jobs. I am such a proud Kikki.

But sigh, I will not get see you in May, my money is tight and things are coming a bit bumpy for the US, so that means a great unfortunate sacrifice. I will miss you, I will cry and I will put my iPod headphones in my ears and put it on full blast to your last three albums and pretend I am there dancing alone to every line. Sigh, sigh, and sigh.

I wrote this last Wednesday, I didn’t know if I should add it in, but what the hell.

Its 4:13am: late or early or what ever you like to call it. I can not sleep and all I want right now is some piece of mind.
I am a mess, and even though I am sleep deprived, I am still managing to walk in a straight line and talk in proper sentences but I can only hope I can last one more day. I know I am not in love: I do not know what it feels like be in love or how it feels to at least need someone.
I feel no matter how hard I want to believe I need you, I don’t. I just want you, I want you to want me, but deep down in my tiny little aching heart I know that it is not going to happen even though I really truly want it to.
It is silly, really it is. To want some one so bad and even though that person doesn’t even know, it is silly to have these feelings. I mean really? What is the point here? I am only putting myself in heart ache every time I see you. And you my boy don’t even have a clue.
I have tried controlling myself and my feelings, I have tried to ignore you and I have told myself continuously that you’re no good for me but it seems my heart doesn’t to want to hear it.
I know that you are just a distraction, a little decoy to keep my heart in misery, until the real thing comes along. Until then, I am going to have to focus on me. Something you will never get to do, because you don’t love me, like I love you.
You can choose who to love, but you can not choose to fall in love.

It is back to work for me, I have given myself a little two week break: writers block really drives me insane. I have been on the edge every morning, wanting to write but nothing to really worthy to write. I thought writers block was something that could never really happen to me, but guess what: It can.
I could write about you, and I have. But, you will never know because Johnny does not exist, he lives through you and through your words and actions, through my love I have towards you. Johnny is bad for me just like you are. That’s who Johnny is; he is just an actor playing your role.

It is easy to lose yourself in what ever you are doing. Be true to yourself, focus on yourself, because in the end, things change, things finish and in the end all you have left is yourself. It is so easy to get wrapped up in mess and shit. Be true to yourself. I say this because I have been embraced by what I was doing that I actually revolved my whole life around it, It wasn’t me, I was the girl in the story, a stranger, she is a complete opposite to who I am but I found myself doing things I would never do. Not only in writing but basically anything. Just like her, I revolved my life around you, wondering what you were doing, who you were with. Everything I did I wondered if you were doing the same. It isn’t healthy, I wish I can take those heart ache days back, even though I am still in heart ache, I wish I was never like back then.
I am me now, just a little Kikki who loves a boy who doesnt even know.

I went to Coldplay last night, honestly it was so emotional. I looked up to the ceiling and there were pink, white and yellow butterflies and yellow balloons filled with glitter falling down. It was so amazing. Yellow, fix you, the hardest part and the scientist are my favs. i'll post photogo's soon.

I have to go and shower then try to fall asleep. I have BIG day tomorrow, Soundwave festival with friends, going to see good bands and get drunk.

We will speak soon, until then, LOVELOVELOVE.

Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone.

I want to say this:

William is a fictional character I am working on. He brings me happiness when I write about him because he is my creation. I write because it gives happiness, not something that diamonds or pearls can bring me. It breaks my heart when I see people out there who have everything. Gwen Stefani, Christina Aguilera, Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, and my favourite, the Olsen twins. What is there in this world that you can possibly want more of? You found your talent so leave the rest of us to find ours.
I can honestly name a whole list of celebrities/actors/musicians that have a whole empire of things. You are talented for the thing you do; the rest is just based on your fame. I am not saying I won’t go a bit crazy if I am ever famous, or at least have the amount of attention or fortune you have, but you should know when enough is enough. You can not have everything in this world. It seems everyone is writing a book, creating a perfume, clothing and accessory line. It seems everyone has been an actor. It seems everyone wants their own singing career and it seems that everyone wants everything.
I love Dancing, I love singing, I love drawing, I love clothes and I love writing. But it would be a bit selfish of me to have all these things as a career. Pick the one you want the most, the one you feel you will make a difference in and do it. Do the thing you most love and kick ass at it, rather being a selfish celebrity that doesn’t know what they want.
Pick a hobby then create your talent.

Sorry about the vent, but I am so sick of questioning myself of things I really want, then there are you guys who take everything and don’t even care. I studied myself, questioned myself and found the thing I most love, the thing I am most talented at and the thing that makes me happy. I will do this, you can stomp on my feet all you like my friends, but I will kick you in the face when you do. I will be great a writer. Maybe then, I might grab a singing career and a fashion line on my way to starbucks.
P.S, I do want to be a great writer, but there are other things I would love to do. I am not saying just take only one thing. The world is big. Explore it.
You can have everything, just not all at once. Take time and pride in doing things you love; you can’t have two slices of cake at once, finish the first slice then go back seconds.
Yum. Cake.

It has taken me forever to create my world. There are people in my head that have conversations, I can see them, I feel what they feel, they use my mouth to speak their words that I write on paper, they are real to me even though they may not be real to you, someday they will. They will have a place on your bedside table by your lamp and reading glasses, they will be the last people to talk to you before you go to sleep and if you are addicted to them like I am; you will be looking forward until you can spend some time with them again. They will make you feel sad, make you want to cry but then they will make you want to smile and laugh. They are my creations and my world as of now. They might not be as famous as you but someday I will be able to look them in the eyes and say “I am proud of us”

Ever since I can remember I have been asking myself what I am going to do with my life, I knew since I was five that I never wanted an office job, nor did I want to be stuck at a supermarket, I never wanted a job that I wasn’t going to be happy in. I knew that but that’s all I knew.
I have files and files of poems, lyrics, letters, short stories and single paragraphs and lines of things I just wrote for the sake of keeping me sane. This is what I do, It is my life.

I am just waiting for the stars to part, for the moon to fall and for the sun to shine on a new tomorrow, a tomorrow that will be mine, and only mine when I have successfully published my books, when the right guy is found and when I have everything I am ever going to need for the future.
My book has plenty of heart breaks, just like my life. I have never been in love, but that doesn’t mean I don’t know what it is like to fall asleep crying because the guy you adore is with another girl. This guy has been the main inspiration. I use my happiness when I am around him to feel what Kikki feels when she is happy, I use my sorrow when he is not with me and with another girl when Kikki feels heartbreak.

Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone.
I'll be waiting, all there's left to do is run
You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess,
It's a lovestroy , baby just say YES.

I can only hope one day I will have a castle, and I will be the princess.

I know I have said this before, but I love, love, love it so much.
Credit: pleasefindthis
I write the love letters you never got, the ones you never sent. And I'll throw these words out there like confetti at the wedding you and I never had.

Johnny, I cry for you. Will, she will die for you

Well I guess it just suggests that this is just what happiness is.

Today was sooooo good, better than I expected.

As you know, today was my first day of school, I woke up at 9:30 thinking I was late for class, mind you, my class starts at one. Last night I couldn’t sleep, I think I was nervous, even though I didn’t really want to admit it. So I went to school {I was actually running late} how funny is that, first I thought I was late, but I ended up being way too early and then I actually ended being late anyway.
So I was in class, and for once I actually felt I belonged there. It was so awesome to have other people there for the same thing your interested in.
I got home after three and a half hours which really just seemed like three minutes. The time went so quickly, it’s true what they say: time goes by faster when you’re having fun.
So today I took nap before dance, ate Fredo chocolates continuously and made this, all because I was bored and because it looks like fun.

https://twitter.com/KikkiSteele

It is so windy out tonight, I am glad I am inside where it is warm and safe. My mother rang me three times tonight to see if I am ok, she worries way too much.
As I was typing the last sentence my sister rang me to see if I am ok, she worries way to much too.

Sometimes, I can not figure out if I am truly happy. I ask myself am I happy just for the sake of being happy and thinking everything will turn out fine or because I do not want to focus on the parts of my life that I am not happy in. YOU are one of the aspects of my life I am not happy with. You drive me insane, you make me jealous and it seems that no matter how hard I try, I can not think straight and I have all this to blame on you. And even though I want to hate you because you make me mad, I can not because deep down you make butterflies flutter inside my tummy, you make me smile every time you are near and the feeling I get when I think of you is just effortless but amazing.

I write because I have all of this in my world because of you and no one to share it with besides beans and you don’t even know. You are player when it comes to girls, you think you own everything just because you’re in a band and you are completely oblivious, I do not care for that, when it comes down to it, all I wish is for you to know and love me, for the selfish, jealous girl that I am who wants you all to herself and doesn’t want to share with anyone.
Rad and Mad? Yes, I am.

Well, I am going to head off and spend a bit of time with Edward and Bella.

Clueless and Stupid.

Tomorrow is my first day of school; I am nervous and excited at the same time. I also get to go to dance class tomorrow night, hopefully I won’t back out, because I ate way too much candy tonight.

There is a girl I want you to know about, her name is Taylor Swift, I never thought in a million years I would be listening to her stuff, but damn she is good. I feel here record Fearless is my soundtrack of the month.
Today I went shopping, went for a swim then hung out in the sauna. I love, love, love the sauna, so much.
I just found out that there is four and a half months to go before I go to the US OF A. I can not wait

I just wanted to say, that you make me feel clueless, stupid and you drive me insane. You make me want to smile most of the time, but sometimes you make me want to cry. I am not yours to toy with but it seems you have a power over me that I can not control, and it makes me want to scream. I never said it, but sometimes I am so close. I would love to hate you but in times like these, I hate to love you.

I am at a wedding this Sunday and can not wait to show off my new dress, I have waited months to wear it and finally found the right place to show it off. Lovelovelove.

A close friend of my broke up with her man recently and I told her that make a toast to about boys being stupid and clueless was the right thing to do on Vday.

Babe, I do not know what you are feeling, but I wish you all the happiness in the world. Stay strong and eat plenty of ice cream.

I love you.

Correction, I just realised I am at school today! Arg. I am getting more nervous, jeez. I think I better go to bed but before I head off to dream land I am going to go and add songs onto my IPod, I have been falling asleep to Jason and TGA for two weeks now, I think it’s time to give them a couple days off. Next on the list? Love songs of the 80’s.

Booyah and Nighters.

This is a lovestory that gives you hell.

Wow, what a performance from Charles and Penny tonight on SYTYCD. I was a bit worried that they wouldn’t pull the routine off considering they were dancing to Beyonce’s “single ladies” and to anyone who has seen the video clip for the song will agree that its nuts, but they did pull it off, very well mind you. Also who those who pulled it off, Chanelle and Loredo, Max, Lamb, Danny and Kat {who which I found out, her mother teaches Macedonian dancing} yay go MACO!!

Yesterday as most of you know was Valentines Day. Yesterday was a year since I went to Melbourne, a year since my Idol recognised ME, a year since Andy was my valentine and a year since Mr Owens birthday. So before I continue I would just like to say happy belated birthday Scott.

Yesterday, I literally did nothing; all I did was lay in bed while listening to my IPod and eating chocolate. In the morning my I watched a movie and then spent the day just bumming around the house with Edward and Bella. Last night I could not avoid going to my cousins house warming. I caught up with relatives that I haven’t seen in so long, I drank and laughed and also witnessed something horrible. I was in the front yard with a few of my young cousins when a lady came screaming out of her house, a man ran after her and caught her by the neck and put his hand over her mouth and dragged her into the garage. Police came and everything, it was so scary and but it makes me think, what kind of valentine is that? Poor girl.

Today I got up had breakfast and went to my brothers house with my sister to chillax. We watched an episode of Greek, man I love that show, I love, love, love it. I have not missed an episode to date, even though I do not have FOX at this house.
I had a very unusual breakfast today, I had three types of teas, White tea, Apple and Blackcurrant tea and green tea, and they were all delicious. I just thought you should know.

Valentine’s eve Friday night, I got up to trouble with my travel buddies, we went to a bar that we always go to, we drank cocktails and made toasts to “being single”. We chatted for a while then went to the other side of the city for a midnight dinner where I had the best veggie Kebab, that wasn’t enough so we walked across the road when it was pouring down to get a chai latte, we sat there for hours talking about our trip and how guys are clueless and sometimes stupid and then we made another toast to just that.

I also celebrated not only being single but that day was my last day at work, so now even though I am slightly jobless I have no way in paying for my trip, but I am not worried, because as someone once said to me “If you really want something, you’ll find a 100 ways to get it, nothing is impossible” but you are probably wondering why I have no job now, well there is only one reason and one reason only, and that is to pursue my dreams and with that, I am happy, I will go back to my dance lessons, I will go back to school and I will go back to where I belong. NYC, here I come. I know I will find a way, one way or another.

Speaking of Valentine’s Day my love, I don’t know where you were, but somewhere in this city underneath the same sky, I know you were the fabulous man that you are.
Out of all days, that was the day I want you here with me. To tell me things that only you know, tell me your secrets, your dreams, your passions. Tell me about when you were young and the things you got up to. Tell me the stories you were told, tell me everything that runs through that little head of yours. I wanted to eat cookies and drink tea with you, I wanted to play guitar hero with you even though I’d lose, I wanted to watch a movie with you, any movie you picked I would watch but only if that got me closer to you.
Though I hardly know you and sometimes I feel I don’t know you at all, when you look me in the eyes it feels like I have known you for all my life. And I want that feeling to last forever. I really do, even though nothing lasts forever.
I haven’t seen you in so long, yet all these stars above me look like you.

Moving on. Did anyone see Thursday night’s Victorian bushfire telethon appeal? It was amazing, I am so glad everyone did a little something, and I was proud to watch my boys on the screen and cheer for them as they did something good, not only they sang their little hearts out but they also did a big little something, they donated 10 thousand dollars from their own pocket to the appeal. Boys, boys, boys. I love you.

Well before I go, I did that “25 things you don’t know about me” thing, but I changed it to 30, so here it is.

1. I sleep with bugs bunny and a little toy puppy called Dylan
2. I am a constant sleep talker and say the most freakiest things
3. I love figs, though I never catch them when in season. Today was different though, thanks to mum.
4. I have fallen asleep while my head was buried in a book.
5. I find I am more active at night, that’s when I do my cleaning and dancing.
6. I am a superhero called rainmaker. And my trusty sidekick is my phone. AKA sidekick
7. My hair is short and I can’t tie it up how I could a month and a half ago. It makes me sad
8. ask anyone, I have an obsession with NYC
9. my life is never on track
10. On my first day at kindergarten I punched my teacher in the cheekbone.
11. I love cheese
12. I change my hair constantly
13. I love my job, though I still don’t know what it is.
14. I always have a pen attached to my hand, always.
15. I love taking photos, coz they almost last longer than mental images.
16. Nothing lasts forever.
17. The song I last sang was: Maitland Street.
18. Johnny wont leave me alone even though I want some time with Will
19. I love JG and a three other boys
20. I would love to be a ballerina
21. I want to dance and sing
22. I have so many idols though three stand out from the rest.
23. I have never been in love, and if it is close to what I am feeling now, I never want to be
24. I have six best friends, Chris, Andy, Scott, Halle, Tyson, Dylan and Bugs bunny.
25. my life is a movie and sometimes I can hear the background music
26. I always feel like I am in the front line of a musical, where I have to sing every word I say
27. This is my lucky number. for those of you who can not count, it's 27.
    
28. Greek and SYTYCD are my fave shows.
29. I love French Bulldogs and Pure breed Boxers.
30. I love him. I want him. If only he knew.

I think I should go before I write a book, so chao chao. I'm Gana Dance!

p.s tuesday I go back to dance class.

p.p.s, I have been putting two songs on repeat for the last three weeks, Taylor Swift's Lovestory and All American Reject's Gives you hell.
I think the title of this post makes sence now, does it?