Sunday, March 1, 2009

I have been dreaming of the days that make perfect sense.

Today I spent the day scanning the internet for hotels/apartments in the US. It is so hard looking for an idea place to call home away from home.
Last Sunday I got to go to a wedding, wear a new dress and get drunk on strawberry Champaign. It was fun to just sit there with family and laugh.

Oh Rove, you’re funny, cute and the only man who keeps me company on a lonely Sunday night such as this one. Tonight you invited my three boys to entertain our party and I could not wait. It was such a surprise when during the commercials of SYTYCD you mentioned that they will be on the show to perform. I was sooo happy. I got to see them; they were amazing, as always. They blew my mind and me away.

They make me so happy, really, they do. I have never met anyone who can turn my emotions upside down like that. I am so honoured and blessed that I could share the world, my life and this beautiful sky with them. Until now I have never realised how much they inspire me, how much they give me hope and how much they could really make a difference. I remember the first day I met you, three years is such a long time but it feels like yesterday.
I would also like to celebrate 12 years of happiness, when I was eight when I found a poster of you in my brother’s music magazine, I then heard you play and even though I was too young to even know what prisoner of society meant I liked hearing you through the speakers of my brother’s stereo. My brother was the one who gave me the backstage pass that beautiful December 26th in 05, I was ecstatic, I was captivate and I will be forever yours.
Now here I am, 12 years later and I am captivated all over again. I love you more as the days go by, even though I was too young back then to realise that you three were going to be my soul mates, I am so happy, grateful and blessed that things worked out the way they did.
Happy March first my beautiful boys. Before I forget, even though I have forgotten plenty of times, I think it is about time to do this:
Congrats Chris, your second child must be as beautiful as Charlie. You are now a daddy of two.
Also, it has been a while and I am so sorry to address this. I am so sorry for Moo, I know you must miss him. Scott, you are a daddy of two too. Hope you’re having fun playing Daddy Owen.
And to my last year’s valentine, My Andy, Congrats with the bundle of joy on the way, you will make a great addition to the fatherhood gang. You all manage to be true to your roles as husbands and fathers and also your jobs. I am such a proud Kikki.

But sigh, I will not get see you in May, my money is tight and things are coming a bit bumpy for the US, so that means a great unfortunate sacrifice. I will miss you, I will cry and I will put my iPod headphones in my ears and put it on full blast to your last three albums and pretend I am there dancing alone to every line. Sigh, sigh, and sigh.

I wrote this last Wednesday, I didn’t know if I should add it in, but what the hell.

Its 4:13am: late or early or what ever you like to call it. I can not sleep and all I want right now is some piece of mind.
I am a mess, and even though I am sleep deprived, I am still managing to walk in a straight line and talk in proper sentences but I can only hope I can last one more day. I know I am not in love: I do not know what it feels like be in love or how it feels to at least need someone.
I feel no matter how hard I want to believe I need you, I don’t. I just want you, I want you to want me, but deep down in my tiny little aching heart I know that it is not going to happen even though I really truly want it to.
It is silly, really it is. To want some one so bad and even though that person doesn’t even know, it is silly to have these feelings. I mean really? What is the point here? I am only putting myself in heart ache every time I see you. And you my boy don’t even have a clue.
I have tried controlling myself and my feelings, I have tried to ignore you and I have told myself continuously that you’re no good for me but it seems my heart doesn’t to want to hear it.
I know that you are just a distraction, a little decoy to keep my heart in misery, until the real thing comes along. Until then, I am going to have to focus on me. Something you will never get to do, because you don’t love me, like I love you.
You can choose who to love, but you can not choose to fall in love.

It is back to work for me, I have given myself a little two week break: writers block really drives me insane. I have been on the edge every morning, wanting to write but nothing to really worthy to write. I thought writers block was something that could never really happen to me, but guess what: It can.
I could write about you, and I have. But, you will never know because Johnny does not exist, he lives through you and through your words and actions, through my love I have towards you. Johnny is bad for me just like you are. That’s who Johnny is; he is just an actor playing your role.

It is easy to lose yourself in what ever you are doing. Be true to yourself, focus on yourself, because in the end, things change, things finish and in the end all you have left is yourself. It is so easy to get wrapped up in mess and shit. Be true to yourself. I say this because I have been embraced by what I was doing that I actually revolved my whole life around it, It wasn’t me, I was the girl in the story, a stranger, she is a complete opposite to who I am but I found myself doing things I would never do. Not only in writing but basically anything. Just like her, I revolved my life around you, wondering what you were doing, who you were with. Everything I did I wondered if you were doing the same. It isn’t healthy, I wish I can take those heart ache days back, even though I am still in heart ache, I wish I was never like back then.
I am me now, just a little Kikki who loves a boy who doesnt even know.

I went to Coldplay last night, honestly it was so emotional. I looked up to the ceiling and there were pink, white and yellow butterflies and yellow balloons filled with glitter falling down. It was so amazing. Yellow, fix you, the hardest part and the scientist are my favs. i'll post photogo's soon.

I have to go and shower then try to fall asleep. I have BIG day tomorrow, Soundwave festival with friends, going to see good bands and get drunk.

We will speak soon, until then, LOVELOVELOVE.

1 comment:

kurtsbean said...

I popped my giant fat arse of a head up above the covers & my cuddles to catch a glimpse of those 3 boys you treasure so deeply. I told my new love how you feel for them and how you'd shoot me if I didn't at least have respect for them. I do. You know.

I love you.